To Be

AD6B2C4F-F975-4BDF-A3CF-2282112A9B13I want to be a leaf.
I want to fall from the tree
Waiting to touch the ground
Having never felt it’s surface
I want to change color and drift
Along the wind
Landing somewhere in time
Where a child finds me
And keeps me in a book
I overlook years later.

I want to be a bird.
I want to fly over the mountains.
I want to swing through the clouds.
Breathe them in
I want to smell their scent
Like morning on my wings.
Where I drift like feathers
Softly falling in the wind
And I fly over memories
That I’ll never see again.

I want to be a window
That stays open to the rain
Let’s the air breathe through its door
Let’s the sun in.
That you look through
When your mind starts to wander
That follows your eyes
Closed and wide and captures the dreams and laughter
Of the moments you’ve made me smile.

I want to be your friend.
And come and sit awhile
By your side
Without needing to say a word
Look you in the eyes
And be understood
I want to hold your hand
I want to feel your touch
More than just a friend.
So much more than that is love.

But I am only me.
Myself is my friend.
And the language that I speak
Only I understand
I do not fall like the leaf
But I stay open in the rain
I cannot fly like a bird
Or love you like a friend.

I want.
I want.
To be.
Me.
Again.

Paint

The sound of leaves falling 

Makes me smell paint 

Early in the morning I feel 

The rain before it comes 

Blowing against my outstretched 

Hands I hold the light. 

And I carry it within until night 

But it is the moon 

That lets me sleep and tears 

Away my dreams too soon 

They grow like flowers and die inside themselves 

Shattering their seeds into mirrors of glass 

I see myself looking in to.  

In my own painting 

Quietly awaiting to be painted over.  

Part of Me

I am uncertain which part of me remembers 

The other side of morning when the world stopped 

It’s turning to let the sun rise. 

The sky was a different color I can no longer paint.  

And each part of me begs for forgiveness for 

Breaking the limbs and the branches off 

The old oak tree.  

For they no longer carry beauty.  

I walk away without my eyes 

Having left them in the mirror 

Staring at my own reflection 

Wet from the sunset 

I lie there glistening 

Like the tears I wait to fall

Blind inside my own shadow 

My empty rooms that guide me to my heart 

Scared in a closet 

Waiting for the moon to turn on the light 

And the stars to fall 

So that I might make a wish 

And find the in between of the days 

I’d spend with you 

There you in the mirror 

Like the birds you throw your bread to. 

Carefully you wait 

Watch 

It loses its shimmer in the pale afternoon 

When you pull out your chair 

Aware of the darkness approaching 

I turn on a light.  

I turn it off 

I open the window to let light in. 

All at once I feel me in my hand 

Fly away like a bird 

But I’m asleep 

Storing dreams and clouds and words and rocks 

And I’ll keep them in my cardboard box 

Until it gets wet 

From memories I can’t forget 

And dreams I’m too blind to see. 

I’m uncertain which part of me 

Remembers the other side of me.  

Daddy

 

I can see the lines in your face
The memories painted on your skin
The familiar spots along your arms
And the fading ink on your shoulder
Where my eyes focused defending the moment
Against the emotion welling up in my eyes
Until I couldn’t see through them
But I dare not shed a drop
To lose a memory
A moment in time so grateful that I had
This is not the end….
I can see you telling your stories
Without words now the images
Still circulating in your mind
There are things you’ve yet to say
Words for me to write down
So that I remember
The sound of your voice
And the smell of your presence
As you say them.
Burying them deep in my mind
So that I might dig them up
Like a child someday
Finding the treasures of her childhood.
Where you certainly were mine.
Locked away now in a box
Buried in the lives of many
The memory holds you still alive
In the moments that I find myself
Searching for You in the place
That is my heart.

The Northern Wind: Goodnight Jessie June

Let me go.
Goodnight Jessie June
Sleep beside me
My child
While my leaves run dry
Where my water
Is wasted
On moments I can’t remember
In cold winds of waves like the water
Let me hold you
For the last time.
Embrace you that is me
My sweet child
My Jessie June.

There are worlds that hold our hearts together
Oceans
Water
Memories
Emotion
Let it all flow like a river
I can control
I can’t control the current of the river
Nor the waves of the ocean
I can’t move mountains
But I can move you.

 

 

Open the Window

And the days fall into each other
Where each day is the same as the day before
It’s all the same day
As you wake and see yourself for the first time
Blind in the mirror
I can’t find my way out of my mind.
I can’t see past the looking glass that reflects an image who is not me.
Who is she?
Who am I?
Where is me?
I’m here like yesterday.
Tomorrow I’ll be on my way.
But I’m not here today.
But it’s all the same day.
When you wake
Who will you be?
Yesterday
Tomorrow
Me
Where am I?
And who is She?
Open the window
I can’t breathe.

 

 

Afraid of the Dark

When the monsters you hide from
That are under the bed
Inside the closet
Are nothing to be afraid of
Where you run and hide from
Yourself always a shadow
Touching some part of your body
That reaches the floor
Grabbing at your ankles
Before you can make it to the door
& Try to escape.
From the darkness inside you
That casts a thousand shadows on your
Face
And fills the cold and barren empty space
That is now your heart
Where the definition of love has fallen apart
And turned into the monster in the closet.
The words that I remember they are few
There is nothing to be afraid of.
Only shadows
That are the monsters living deep inside of you.
And though my mind hears a thousand angry
Voices
I can’t understand a word they shout at me.
And I feel everything it all and then I feel nothing.
Overwhelmed and broken
Overjoyed and free
I can’t beg my eyes to look in the mirror-see.
The monster that I am
Looking back at me.

Oceans Apart

There are oceans between us
But it’s Only water
Not as deep as the love
That is my heart.
There are days and nights
That bind us.
Keep us from mornings together.
Sunsets. Yet we share the same sun.
And moon.
And our time together is gone too soon.
Before I dream.
When I wake.
There are oceans between us.
But it’s only water.
Though I can’t swim
I swim after the shore
That are the shoulders
Of my heart.
There are days and nights that bind us
Nothing less
Than the love and the warmth of your chest
And you pulling me from
The waters of my dreams
Rebirth.
And our time together is gone too soon.
In the oceans
And on Earth.

Strength

There’s the ocean.
The calm.
The salvation.
The wave that is my negativity.
That carries me off.
And the arms that save me.
Lift me up.
Carry me.
While I fall.
Get swept away.
But the figure is light
Almost like wings
And/Where she resembles a falling angel
Being caught by the arms that make her an angel.
That gives her her wings.
But teaches her to be her own Strength
And That she must catch herself.

image

Strength

Fallen

FALLEN